Monday, February 1, 2010

This time last year...

I'm a big "this time last year" person (if you hadn't noticed) and it is something I have done as long as I can remember. It's one of the things that makes my situation so hard. I'm a 'rememberer' and it's been less than six months that I have been doing this gig all on my own (eight since Ground Zero). It sucks to think of what we were doing as a family at any point the year before. It all feels so different now. Because I have Sis, I am torn between wishing the time would go by faster to speed that healing that everyone promises me it will bring, and wishing it would slow down a little because my baby is growing too fast. Part of me really wants to hit the year mark so I can start being glad that I am not where I was "this time last year." I have to believe that it can all get better.

All day I have been thinking about how this time last year I was on the first day of a cruise to Mexico with 40+ members of J's family (courtesy of my amazing in-laws). I had planned, made lists, prepared, packed, worked late (just one more article...) and thought endlessly about sand and sun for weeks and months beforehand. We were finally there. Customs cleared, bags unpacked, beds jumped on. It felt like such a huge relief after preparing for so long (and that is small potatoes to the work ma and pa-in-law put in to get such a big group organized.). I can still remember how lucky I felt to be at the start of a fun trip with my little family and how much I looked forward to a break from the regular routine with J. I was six months pregnant (and we knew a little girl was on the way) but I was feeling good. I didn't fear the future. In fact, I was looking forward to it. For the moment, all was right with my world. I felt like we were on the verge of 'getting it all together' in many ways.

It was an amazing trip. It really was. The boys still talk about things they did "on the big boat." Tonight as the boys and I looked over the pictures I took, I had to review a few of my favorites in honor of one of the best vacations I ever had and our last genuinely fun time as a family. The day after we arrived home, all hell broke loose both with J's work and in ways I didn't get to see until later. The months following were mostly a game of damage control and keeping up and being more and more pregnant. I thought I would rest after the baby came :-)

Junior swears he saw a sea lion. Maybe he did...

My handsome date (he has grown so much in the last year).

Bubba is just cool! Always has been.

Cabo San Lucas - Great Grandpa and Junior looking at the Carnival Pride from the beach (my favorite picture of the entire trip.)

As dressy as I could get with my limited maternity wardrobe. This picture probably would have been better if we had all been looking at the same camera!

I looked at these pictures and I missed that "me." Ignorance sometimes really is bliss and although the situation I was in couldn't have lasted forever, I miss that heady feeling of optimism for my future. The feeling of thinking we could tackle anything because we were a "we." It's been almost exactly eight months since I felt anything but fear and sadness and uncertainty. And I have been "I" for just long enough to start forgetting how it felt to be "we" in the everyday things, but not long enough to not miss it in the very core of my soul on a million levels.

I have every hope that no matter what my situation is, by February 1st 2011, I will have gotten that feeling back.

Just watch me...


  1. Watching and cheering you on, my friend.

  2. It was so good to see you on Saturday. You are amazing, keep up the awesome work!

  3. Ohh Ohh. Maybe you can start thinking about "this time next year" as in "this time next year we should go on a cruise with the Philips' family :)

  4. Oh I want to come on the cruise with the Philip's family too!! Or just us girls...anyone who wants to go on a well deserved ladies cruise! This time next that idea! my favorite picture is totally the very cool Thomas!!

  5. Exactly how i feel. Funny how life is now defined as "before the discovery" and "after the discovery". Can't wait till it is just plain, simple life again without such a painful reference point. I believe it will get there someday. It better!

  6. I hope and pray for you that it is sooner than later :)