Scary Valentine's Day To You All...

Junior drew these pictures two years ago and I recently found them in my files. I thought I would share in honor of the day!



Trust my little Junior to make Valentine's Day more exciting...

It's quiet........yeah, a little TOO quiet...

This is the price you pay when you think you might be able to get a few extra minutes of sleep on the weekend while the girl is watching Kipper with her brothers.



And here's to being aware that Sis can now unscrew the lotion jar. Very, very quietly...

'Twas the Night Before Christmas

I have always liked Christmas Eve better than Christmas day. Even as a kid, although I was wildly excited to open presents, the sense of expectation was almost more fun. As a mom, I have generally made a big deal out of Christmas Eve but this year was a little different. It was really quiet for a change, but was really nice. It was just me and the kids and it was fun for a change to not be bound by a schedule and to just watch them without being distracted by guests or meal preparation. I will admit that holidays are just not my favorite anymore. Things you are able to forget at other times of the year come back with a vengeance during the holiday season. There is always the feeling of something missing and the sadness of being alone for something that is meant to be shared. While I don't expect that to ever really go away, I am getting more used to feeling it. Either way, watching my kids on Christmas is absolutely delightful and this year was pretty nice.

The kids woke up Christmas eve morning and immediately asked how long it was until bedtime. The boys, who had done nothing but fight with each other for weeks were angels. Once when the house was a little too quiet, I went upstairs to find them both on Bubba's bed, drawing pictures of what they hoped to get from Santa "to make the time go by faster." We had lunch at McDonald's and came home to watch movies and play our new family board game to try to make the day less long. By 6 pm, they were begging to go to bed :-)

Usually, we have fondue on Christmas Eve, but the kids still eat the equivalent of one sandwich between them, and I wasn't about to eat a whole pot of cheese by myself (don't get me wrong, I COULD, but it didn't seem like a good idea :-). So, we saved that meal to introduce to Gma and Gpa W when they came for dinner. Instead, we had had turkey croissant sandwiches, clementines, fudge and sparkling cider while we watched the Norad Santa Tracker online. It was delicious.



I taught the kids how to toast with their cups and now it is all they want to do at every meal.


Next came watching the movie of their choice (Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer) in my bed...


The yearly stairs/christmas jammies photo came after they wrote a letter to Santa along with leaving milk and cookies. Junior helpfully put out another list of the things they had asked for in case there was any question on Santa's end.


Then they spent awhile at the window watching for rudolph's nose up in the sky.


Sis went to her own bed, but the boys wanted to sleep in my room. I made them a bed on the floor facing the window so they could watch the sky for Santa. They were in bed by 8, but were too excited to fall asleep until 10 (a feeling I remember really, really well). I sat outside the room for awhile and listened to them talk about the mysteries of Santa and Christmas. Junior couldn't reason out how Santa gets to every house on the same night (my earlier explanation of 'christmas magic' didn't convince him). Bubba had some serious doubts about whether or not he had been good enough for Santa to bring him toys (again, my earlier assurances meant nothing.) He finally figured that even if Santa didn't bring him any presents, he would at least fill his stocking. I tried to be sneaky and record the conversation on my camera, but they were talking too quietly. Bummer :-)


Whew! Santa made it....



Sis' favorite present was her toy make up kit.
Bubba's favorite present was his 'real' light saber
Junior's favorite present was his Lego sorter.

Gma and Gpa K joined us for breakfast and we all ate too much while the kids got spoiled with even more presents and we figured out how to hook up the new Wii.

Merry Christmas to all...

'Twas the Week Before Christmas...

I had great intentions of getting these pictures posted (hi kate, jeff and aunt jeane...) a little closer to Christmas. However, all my good intentions
(which include cleaning the house, getting the laundry done or feeding the kids something other than chicken nuggets and fruit snacks) have all gone out the window to make way for the massive landslide of homework and being a student again after 10 years. Junior thinks it is hilarious that I have to do homework like he does, but I gave him a peek at my math and he felt a lot better about his own lot. So, 2012 for me begins with 4 classes (two of them are math with half a semester each), continues on in the summer with more pre-requisites for my pre-requisites and hopefully will end with me acing Anatomy and then crossing my fingers a lot that I can get into the program I want here instead of another state. The bottom line is that I will spend the year trying to keep on top of work and kids and school and home without going (more) insane. I hope the kids still like me at the end of the year.

In the meantime, I just got an A on my first quiz, so I treated myself to catching up on things like showering and posting my pictures :-P December was actually relaxing and fun and delicious. It was so relaxing in fact, that I forgot to take pictures of much of it...


My excellent assistant chefs. They were great at helping mix and then eat the cookie dough.



Then it was time to just chill for awhile while the cookies baked.


Junior has always been my best helper with the Christmas tree. Bubba and Sis spent most of the decorating time in the kitchen eating goldfish crackers...


...or doing this.



I would have sworn that two was too young to start raiding my closet, but Sis doesn't think so.


Our lifelong best friends, the Bradshaws, decided to move to Alaska at the end of December (I still don't want to talk about it....!) So, we tried to get as much face time as possible before they left. This is the kids almost in line to see Santa at the mall. In the end, we left because the line wasn't moving and they wouldn't let us take pictures with our own cameras (seriously!!!??) The kids didn't seem to care :-)


We bundled up and went to see the village display in downtown Ogden. Local businesses will decorate cottages and you can walk around under the lights and look in the windows. I can't believe that we lived there for so many years and never went to this. The kids thought it was awesome.




Most of my pictures of Bubba and William these days look like this.


The boys pretending to be deer.


Sis is going to really miss the twins.


There was a small snowfall while we were there which excited the kids more than anything else. Sis caught as many as she could on her tongue.

Pre-decking the Halls

Well, Merry Christmas! It only took me a week to get the three or four evergreen garland swags outside my house properly connected and lit up. This is still less time that it took my neighbor across the street to deck his halls in seven million lights. I and reasonably sure you can see his house from space. Every year, the outdoor lights (such as they are) make me swear I will not be doing them the following year and every year, my boys get all excited about the go-getter neighbors who have their lights up by Halloween and bug me relentlessly about decorating our house. I figure that someday I will make THEM do it, while I sit inside with a book and hot chocolate (and Sis does the dishes). That's how it works with older kids, right?

Last night, he decorated the inside of the house and put up the kids tree for Family Home Evening. The kids tree evolved from the year that we bought a real tree, which shrivelled up and died about 6 minutes after we had it fully decorated. By a week before Christmas, it shed dry needles at the vibration of anyone walking by and threatened to burst into flames when we plugged the lights in. It was too close to Christmas to justify another tree and too far away to just deal with it. So, I bought a cheap little white tree in its place, which then became the kid tree. Each one gets their box of ornaments and they get to decorate however they want.



This is why most of the ornaments are concentrated on the lower branches and Bubbas karate belt is acting as tinsel. They boys were not satisfied with the amount of ornaments they each had collected, so they tossed a few toys in there as well.


Such as Monkey


And Belle


Sis didn't want to put anything at all on the tree. Nor did she want her brothers to. We witnessed the first of the Christmas season tantrums. They aren't any different than the tantrums from the rest of the year, but they are generally accompanied by the soft blur of Christmas lights and the knowledge that there is egg nog in the fridge. Makes them extra special, you know? ;-)


After we put scrooge to bed, Junior requested paper so they could make their Christmas lists, while eating cookies and drinking hot chocolate and watching a Spongebob Christmas special.



And then he asked me to make sure I took pictures of it all, so he could remember it. I think he definitely has inherited my supreme sentimental junkie tendencies. As soon as I am done here, I'm going to draft an apology letter to his future wife.

Thankful Thanksgiving

We are so full! My sister and mom pull together a good feast. I asked the kids what we are particularly grateful for this Thanksgiving. There were many things, but these came to the top of the list.

Junior: 'My family and that my friend Josh gets to spend the night.'

Bubba: 'Dinosaur Chicken Nuggets'

Sis: 'Meow'

Me: That I was smart enough to stay in my comfy bed instead of getting pepper sprayed like the black friday crowd out in front of Toys'R'Us. Also, Junior's new cartoon: "Raffi and the Banana Muffin.' (Raffi is his stuffed giraffe and the banana muffin is Raffi's conscience who guides him in his many adventures.'

Happy Thanksgiving! Safe travels...

Word

I realized last night that next month will be a year since the final mediation to solidify the divorce decree.

It has been...a really long year, and I haven't written much about it beyond kid stuff. Mostly because I just have not been able to find the words. I cannot adequately describe how devastating it feels to attend your own divorce mediation two days before Christmas and sign that paper knowing it is the end.

The end.

The very end of the family that was your greatest treasure and that your best efforts couldn't save. I couldn't bring myself to relive just how it felt to drive home while pulling over multiple times to cry, knowing that the person who caused it all is likely celebrating. I would love to forget how it felt to want nothing more than to crawl into bed and disappear forever, but instead force myself to brave the holiday crowds because Santa still needed stocking stuffers. Writing wasn't an option because it took all my energy to face another Christmas (the second of many) as a single mom, keep up the usual traditions and show a happy face to my kids. I learned the hard way that even if you think you are prepared for something, the reality can still hit you like a freight train when it actually happens.

There have been no words to illustrate how it really feels to get the news that the divorce is finalized and then get the text (yes, a text) a week later that your barely-ex husband has officially made his long time mistress the stepmother of your children. The feelings of betrayal and humiliation connected to that are endless and overwhelming and (unfortunately) still constant. There is nothing I have ever experienced that is harder than handing my kids over every week to spend time with the woman who was a sneaky third wheel during my pregnancies with all three. Having her be part of my children's "family" ignites every protective instinct I have because I don't trust her. What is worse than feeling that way? Not being able to do a damn thing about it. What is worse than that? Knowing that my job is to make sure my kids feel comfortable loving all the people in their lives. Even her. Some things just plain suck, but I do it because I love my kids far more than I hate her.

Ironically, with the exception of some events and elements regarding the day Sis was born, I rarely dwell on my ex's affair during my marriage. In so many respects, I have moved beyond the many details and forgiven him for them. They don't keep me up at night anymore. It's the choice he made to leave and everything since that keeps raking over my raw emotions and reopens wounds. He brought cancer into our family and then married us all to it and we are dragged along in the wake of his decisions trying to find footing. Particularly as long as our children are little, I don't get the luxury of distancing myself from what often feels like emotional torture. I am just trying to get used to it, but for now, it is still a constant ache in my chest.

Time with my little guys is going by so fast. I begrudge the time they have to divide between two homes. I begrudge moments the DLS gets with them that she doesn't deserve and that I have to miss out on. My heart sinks every single time the kids drive away with their dad because every part of me shrieks that I don't want this for my kids or for me. It still digs pieces out of me to hear about their time away from me with a world of people, some of whom I have never met and will never know. My heart breaks every time he misses a 'moment' with the kids and again when I know that I did (Sis took her first steps at his house.) I have a daughter who I have almost no memories of parenting together with him (and it was a lonely, bewildering, self conscious pregnancy as he became increasingly distant and disinterested.) Because of this divide, being married and half of an 'us' feels like a dream or another lifetime. Most days I feel like I have always been a single mom. At the same time, the memory and comfort of happier days with my best friend is ingrained in me enough to miss it like an arm. Like an amputated limb, I suspect that you never actually stop missing it as much as learn to live with and accept it.

There aren't enough words in the world to describe how badly I want to shed this burden and wake up each day without it being the first thing on my mind. I have as many active steps as I can this year to try to do just that (another post for another time.) More than anything else, I wish I could just choose to never have to see him again. I wish I could treat our demise like a bad break up and store away the good memories, work my way through the bad and eventually wish him well wherever he is. After the last few years, I wish I could have him be no part of my life and I have no doubt that he feels the same. This path of triggers, pitfalls, painful reminders and humiliating new elements seems much harder, especially since we have to see each other weekly and I think it is important for our kids to see us interact amicably. I haven't missed the irony that the person who was once my most comfortable place is now the opposite. That always makes me sad. I wish I didn't have to hear 'her' name in my home, or casual (painful) details from the kids about the life they live, or wonder how much longer I am going to be bearing the brunt of his choices with limited options. Unfortunately, what would be comforting for me right now would be the opposite for my kids and ultimately, I would far rather that I be the one to suffer. While I might daydream about being free of my connections to him, I don't really want that for my kids sake. At the end of the day, I am glad that he is there for them as much as he is but, I often wish I could at least see the light at the end of the tunnel for me.

I do have my moments here and there of pure, warm comfort that wraps around my anxious mind and I am startled by the unfamiliar emotion that everything will be fine. It's a snippet of the overwhelming contentment I had when I cradled my baby girl the night she was born, thought about my three boys and genuinely felt "now I have everything I ever want." I was under no illusions that there weren't rough times ahead because something was clearly wrong, but ultimately I was comforted that we were a family and we had everything we would ever need to make it. Not making it was never even on my radar. Someday, I want that feeling back and the glimpses I get keep me keeping on. I adore my children and treasure my time with them. They make even the worst days bearable.

When I write posts like this, I sometimes feel like I should wrap it up with a reason why everything will be fine or defend my reasons for still going to bed most nights with such a burdened heart. But, sometimes things just are what they are and keeping from a destructive path that might numb temporarily is the best you can do. Some days, weeks or years are going to be incredibly difficult for different reasons and there is something to be said for acknowledging that, feeling it, concentrating on digging out and not letting the junk define you(while counting your blessings and hoping for better times of course :-) This is where I am now. I know that my goal is to get to where I can keep the good and make peace with the bad, but it's a bummer that horrible experiences don't have an expiration date. Enduring isn't as hard as enduring well and enduring well is an even bigger challenge when you don't know how long you will have to do it. :-)'Fake it til you make it' plays a big role in my life these days. I am grateful for the people in my life that let me put that facade aside when I need to and let me just 'be.'

I had hoped for a less stressful year, but I can't say that I will be sorry to see 2011 close. But, my issues aside, how stinking cute have my kids been this year, right? Plenty more where that came from :-)

Fingers crossed for 2012. Thank you to everyone for your love and support and encourangement this year. You know who you are.