Wednesday, October 7, 2009


It's amazing how quickly your life can change. How quickly someone, whom you would have sworn you knew every heartbeat of, has become a stranger. How quickly you can go from being a wife, a companion and part of a team to being a single parent struggling to figure out how you got there in the first place. I feel like Dorothy when she landed in OZ, except instead of everything turning technicolor and beautiful it's kind of the opposite. I thought I knew my life and I thought I knew my future. I don't now and it's scary.

Awhile ago, during a meeting with my stake president, I was playing the "why me" game a little. My world had fallen apart when my little girl was less than a week old, my husband was someone I could no longer trust or count on, and I felt like my lot was more than I deserved or could handle. Amid the reassurances that "I was doing everything I could do" I could get no comfort. What did it matter what I was doing if the end result was in another person's hands? The answer I got from the SP hit me in an unexpected way and I was glad I had gotten that counsel early on in my struggle. He said "You cannot control what anyone else does, but you can control how you act." In theory, this advice was nothing earth shaking or new, but it made me determine how I wanted to emerge from this situation come what may. Although I am human and had moments of saying things I later regretted as well as moments when I allowed anger and bitterness to control my actions, I can look back and know that I handled the last four months with dignity while I hoped and prayed that the worst case scenario would not happen. And that is some comfort. Unfortunately, worst case scenario did happen and my husband of eight years, companion of ten and friend of fifteen has moved on without me and that brings out emotions that I can't even name. I'm now finding myself looking down the barrel of many years of loneliness, hurt, confusion for me and my kids, and general trials as I tread water and try not to give into the damage being "left behind" can do.

There is a voice in me that tells me that getting angry and bitter will hurt a lot less than feeling the full sadness of the frozen, aching hole he has left behind. But I'm making a choice to continue listening to the quieter voice that reminds me that I can govern my reactions with dignity and I will be a better woman for it no matter how much sad and sorrow I have to wade through to get to the other side of this. I'm reassured by many who know that there is still a bright future in store for me although believing that at this point is a lot like being unable to see the forest for the trees. I'll put my trust in those that know and love me and will move ahead secure in the knowledge that although I don't want this life and definitely did not ask for it, I can trust my own sense of what is right.

Every day is a challenge right now and getting out of bed is difficult enough that I wonder why no one has given me an award yet for doing it multiple days in a row. But I will put one foot in front of the other fueled by what I know. I know that I am backed up by the prayers and support of amazing family and friends. I know that my children love me and that I am doing the best I can for them even when I feel like they are getting a raw deal. I know I do not want to be bitter and hate the father of my children. I know that this situation, as bad as it is, could be much worse. And I know that I am worth a million of "Her".

Most of all, I know that God is on my side. I would not want to fight this fight without him. I know I want to continue being the person I have been for the last few months and I want to be able to justify the faith that everyone who has supported me so far seems to have in me. So I keep breathing and I keep getting up (most days anyway!) and I be twice as much the mom that my little cubs might have otherwise gotten. I pray daily for strength and confidence.

And I hope.


  1. My best friend had a "her" and he left too, left her to pick up the pieces and repair broken hearts. For the pain that he caused their children, I don't know that I can ever forgive him, and even though it's been three years, I still want to sock him when I see him. I think about calling him and yelling until I'm hoarse. What good would it do? He's still to selfish to see what he destroyed.

    I'm so sorry this burden has come into your life, because it is a heavy one. There is nothing more amazing than getting out of bed, I wish I could send you a medal.

  2. Just wanted to let you know how incredible I think you are! We don't know each other on a very deep level but I see your strength and admire it immensely. Know that our prayers are with your family each and everyday and we place your names on the rolls of the temple beckoning the blessings and comfort of heaven to come your way. Go mama bear! Sarah

  3. Cind,
    You're the best. We still only live up the road, and really really, if you think about it, your 4 cousins weigh just shy of a half ton. Just sayin'.....

  4. Lovely. I truely, truely believe that there is good reason to hope. You will be blessed and get better than a medal because you DO get out of bed every morning, and you ARE taking care of your kids- even though you hurt.

    Most of all, you are being faithful and looking to our Father in Heaven to help you through this.

    And never, ever, ever doubt that you are worth a million, bazillion of her- because of your grace and unwilliness to give in to the desire to be angry and throw things.

  5. I just love you. You will endure and you will survive and you will, ultimately, thrive.

  6. You're a beautiful woman in every way a woman can be beautiful. The grass will truly be greener . . . on YOUR side of the fence. May God Bless you and give you all the strength you need to make a better, brighter home for you and the children. We love you.

  7. Cyndi,

    I hate that you have to have a new blog, a new future and a new ANYTHING. You are a brave and strong woman. You are an even better mother. You were a great wife. I hate that the choice of one person can hurt you all. Your children will be blessed by their strong mamma.

    Of course you are a worth a million of "her" I am sure that it isn't ok to say the word "whore" on a family blog...but we could start with the fact that you aren't one of those........ Delete if you want, but I am just saying.......

  8. Thanks for sharing from your heart. I know how difficult it was to put all your emotions into this writing and sharing will all.
    I love you all,

  9. I will sum up what I feel like everyone is saying. "I want to be like Cyndi when I grow up." Why? Because she is good. Inherently good.

  10. Cyndi,
    You are an amazing person and a spectacular mother. I am sorry for this difficult path that is before you and I will pray for you and your family. I know that you have the support of your friends and family but you also have the support of people who knew you way back then and know that you are the best kind of person in this world. Thank you for your wonderful blogs and your great parenting stories. You are an inspiration.
    Love Brooke

  11. Cyndi,

    I am so sorry that this has happened to you! You have always been a good friend to me, and I know we lost touch for a while, but my thoughts and prayers are with you. I don't know what I would do if anything like that ever happened to me, and I can't say I understand, but I can say that you didn't deserve it and that I tremendously admire you and your attitude to move on to a new life!

  12. Cyndi,

    It's Aunt Joan. I wanted to let you know you've been in my thoughts and prayers a lot since I heard the news. Like everybody else has said, your strength is absolutely amazing. Especially your strength of character. I for one will think of your situation in the future when I have to face new trials of my own, whatever they may be, and hope I can be on the same page as you. You're an amazing person!

  13. My husband doesn't have a her, but he's done with me just the same and i'm now headed down the long road of starting over. This is all very recent we haven't even filed papers, but I need to know it gets better. I just started reading (was referred by a friend) and intend to read your full story and maybe I can get some help from it.