Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Dear Anonymous...

This blog has really evolved since I started it last October. Originally, it was a continuation of our family blog and also served the dual purpose of therapeutic journaling and offering proof to family members that I was both getting out of bed and processing my grief instead of drinking it away :-) I never anticipated or expected than anyone beyond the few friends and family that kept up with the old blog would be following it.

Emotions and experiences I have chronicled here have resonated with others who are either in my same situation or have a loved one who is. I was both shocked and touched by all of you who have come forward to say that you have found comfort in a common thread and in seeing that someone else has the exact same emotions, thoughts and experiences. Sympathy is always welcome during any healing process, but genuine empathy is rare and surprisingly comforting. I have connected with some amazing women within the last year and now belong to a strange international web of single moms/struggling wives who are at various stages of surviving. There are those who are further along in the process who are inspirational proof to me that this won't kill me and in return I want to pass anything I have learned along to the 'newbies.' Some of you have come out to simply give a one-time hello and 'hang in there' and please know that I have appreciated every single comment. One in particular made me teary last week (last comment in last week's post if you are interested.) We'll call you Anonymous #1. The sentiments expressed in comments like yours are one of the huge reasons I keep writing and keep it as honest as possible. I feel less alone when I know others feel the same way and I am pleased (if admittedly startled) to find that complete strangers are finding comfort in how I have chosen to express myself.

And then there are commenters like the one I got last night. We'll call you Anonymous #2 (because they bravely did not post their name). This last week has been brutal. J finally filed papers (too raw, I will get to that another time) and three days later, I found out that he introduced the kids (without my knowledge) to daddy's new "friend." In response, I broke my long silence with this "friend" and sent her a long overdue, very accurate assessment of her actions, her character, my disapproval that she would get to be anywhere near my children and my complete contempt that she could ever look me in the eye. I was not surprised to get the comment that came through last night with some "advice." Anonymous #2 suggested that I 'get over it and move on' and then snarkily stated something about how I should go out and get someone better if I thought I was so much better.' I laughed at you Anon #2. I laughed because the implication that I was being dramatic and dragging out the process of 'getting over it' was so completely asinine. Nine months ago, after a revelation of infidelity through much of my marriage, I was left with three children, five and under (one of them a newborn). I make no apologies about not being 'over it' less than a year later. I read the comment, rolled my eyes and took a moment to wonder why Anonymous #2 was so impatient unless they were affiliated with someone who had an invested interest in the wife moving on? I logged off, went to bed and did not lose any sleep over the matter. I have every intention of moving on and being happy, but not until I process and grieve. We are not talking about losing a boyfriend here. We are talking about my husband, my best friend, the father of my three children and, in my culture, my eternal companion. Whoever you are Anon #2, my advice to you is that you keep yours until you or someone you love is in my situation and see if it still applies. To you or anyone else who is annoyed by how I am handling the end of my marriage, I would like to invite you to not take the time to read this blog :-) You'll never be missed.

But the bottom line is that I don't want or need the extra drama in my life. This is the one and only time I will be responding to or addressing this subject. I have always had comment moderation turned on and reserve the right to not post rude comments although this is the first time it has come up. Although everyone has been respectful so far and I haven't needed to edit anything, I would also never allow snarky comments about J. I am reacting to choices made by him, but this blog is about me and how I am choosing to cope. It is not meant to vilify or slam him. Inexplicably, I still care about him quite a bit.

Anyone who would like to connect in a positive way, please don't hesitate! Anyone else who is tempted to be mean, please don't bother. Simply because I am under no obligation to address anyone's 'advice,' someone else is now moderating my comments before they are posted and I will never see or address anything that would be considered poison. If nothing else, the fact that the comment did not derail me emotionally is a surprising testament to how far I have come. Even a few months ago, reading something like that would have made me cry. Now, I can clearly see the idiocy and bias behind the sentiment. If I am still writing the same stuff in five years, you can try me again. Until then, I am choosing to only keep the positive where I can.


  1. I've been reading your blog for a few months now (but never commented!!), I have no idea how I even came across it. I want to say that I think you are doing an amazing job ! I cannot even imagine how difficult this situation is for you... although I do feel empathy for you. My mum's identical twin sister went through the same thing about 12 years ago, it was so hard to see her battle on every day. And I am sure that is how your family and friends feel. I just want you to know that someone over the other side of the world cares for you too! :) And I wish you nothing but the best for the future.

  2. You go Cyndi! Lack of life experience narrows perspective. I feel bad for ignorant, rude people.

  3. Seriously?!?! Cyndi I agree with not to lose any sleep over this person. You have been a very strong person through out this whole ordeal and have handled many of your daily trials with a strong backbone. Putting your thoughts and feelings out there is therapeutic not only for you but others who are reading your blog going through a similar situation. I think anon #2 is a coward and an idiot for trying to bring you down. Stay strong Cyndi, there are many people who love you and are here to support you.

  4. Cyndi...I have so much respect for you and I look up to you so much. You have been a blessing in my life and you have always been so sweet to lend an ear or try to offer words of comfort. How dare Anon #2 say ANYTHING to you. If Anon #2 is "her" or connected to "her" in some way..I say to go crawl back in whatever dark hole you came from. This person sounds like someone who is in denial maybe, scared, and maybe feeling like they are not worth much. If Anon. #2 is ever faced with the situation you were put in, I'm sure he/she will be feeling pretty horrible for saying what they said to you. Keep your head up Cyndi. You have only shown strength, endurance and love through this process and for that you will be blessed. Keep being the wonderful mother that you no attention to idiots who will see someday. Your kids are going to look back and see what a strong, faithful and loving mother they had. That's the best thing you can accomplish in life. Sorry so long.

  5. Hooray for you! I applaud everything you've written here. You are so strong, and if anything, you are overly generous and compassionate in your treatment of J in what you write. He should be thanking his lucky stars that you are as kind and classy as you are.

    Anonymous #2 sounds like someone who is trying to justify her own morally contemptuous choices. What kind of an evil, clueless piece of trash tells someone to "get over" their husband having an affair and leaving? What kind of selfish, horrible person thinks that this is not a big deal? Clearly, this person is a low human being. Scrape her off of the bottom of your shoe and move on.

  6. In the Internets, they call what Anon 2 did "Trolling," because they behave like a troll who has nothing better to do than live under their little bridge in the dark, coming out to prey on good wholesome people.

    So in my mind, this troll is warty, hunchbacked and smells of putrefied fish...Yep.

    Keep the positive going, you are farther on the road than you think, but still not as far as you would like. But you are doing it!

  7. Cyndi,
    At the risk of hurting other people in the process, I am going to post anonymously but I am someone close to you. I have watched you over the last year as you have adjusted to your new life. I have watched you struggle to regain control. I have been through a similar situation (double life scenerio) which you are unaware of. That is the way I prefer it stays. I didn't want to share my humiliation and hurt with anyone. I suffered in silence. I did not believe any other person could understand my pain. My "wonderful loving husband" was everything but. One day (long after he was gone) I decided to tell my complete story to my mother. She basically told me to "get over it", as your insensitive #2 did. It broke my heart. How could my own mother be such a cold, heartless person? After many long sleepless nights I realized something. I was going through the motions of life but I was missing it. I had small children at the time and I felt as if I was off in Zombieland. I was missing so much because I felt so bad and I ultimately had to make the choice to be done with it. I'm not saying you should not grieve. You have been through so much and you absolutely need to go through steps to recover from this devastating trial. I believe you are moving in the right direction. But I do want you to remember you are a beautiful woman with a divine soul. You have so many people around you that love and admire you. Your three little ones need you to continue moving forward. Your heart will mend. You will find love again and at some point you will get over these horrible feelings. There are so many people cheering you on. We watch you, we pray for you, and we love you.

  8. I am so sorry that you are having to deal with people like anon #2!

    Let me tell you that I have been reading your blog for months and have found everything you've said to be insightful, heartbreaking, uplifting and a testament to what a courageous woman and mother you must be. I wanted to post this as it has given me strength during my own tough times and I feel that it may apply to your situation as well:

    My enemies say of me in malice, "When will he die and his name perish?" All my enemies whisper together against me; they imagine the worst for me, saying, "A vile disease has beset him; he will never get up from the place he lies." Even my close friend, whom I trusted, who shared my bread, has lifted up their heel against me. BUT you, O Lord, have mercy on me; raise me up, that I may repay them. I know you are pleased with me, for my enemy does not triumph over me. In my integrity you uphold me and set me in your presence forever. Praise be to the Lord, the God of Isreal, from everlasting to everlasting. Amen and Amen. (Psalm 41:5-13)

    I also want to add that as a survivor of infidelity myself, there is no timeline on when your heart needs to be recovered. Its been 3 years since my husband's affair and I still have times where I want to scream at him and ask him how he could have hurt me like that. I think that there are just some wounds that time cannot heal.

    I just want to thank you for putting your journey out here for all of us to learn from. Your example of grace is beyond what could be expected in this difficult time.


  9. I am so impressed with the way you are handling all of this and think your letting someone else moderate your comments is pure wisdom.

  10. People are mean. You haven't been, when you had every reason to be. Grieve like you need to grieve and go through it so you don't have to carry it forever. Your sister, Erbecca taught me that. She is a good example of a woman who knows who she is and how to forgive. Mean people carry their hurt and never put it down.

  11. Your posts are real and honest and down to earth and never have i thought "why wont she just get over it" Seriously some people :-) I hope your doing well. Sorry we missed Miss Janies Bday party, we got home from St George late the night before and were recovering from the trip and unpacking and all that jazz but I hope you all had a great day together!!