"On Christmas day in the morning..."

I love how the tree looks with all the presents under it before things start to get pulled out and unwrapped. I set my alarm for 6 a.m. so I could come down and turn on the tree lights. I like them to be on when the kids get their first look at what Santa left. Junior came into my room at 7:30-ish with a story about how he had seen Santa and his sleigh and had waved to them from the window (sounds a lot like 'The Night Before Christmas' poem we read the night before, but whatever!) I asked him if Santa had made it and he was excited that he had. I geared myself to climb out of bed but accidently fell back to sleep while my obedient Junior went back to his own room and whispered with Bubba until the baby called for me. I guess I forgot to tell him that the 'don't wake up mom until it is light outside' stricture doesn't apply on Christmas morning. Poor kid! :-)

Pringles are an old tradition and the boys are always thrilled to get their own personal cans in their stockings.

Everything they pulled out of their stockings was declared to be "exactly what I wanted" and they wanted to know how Santa knew that. He just does...

Sis had a few presents to open but she was mostly just in heaven with all the crinkly wrapping paper lying around just waiting to be chewed on (also, she puked all over her new pajamas top, so I am really glad I did the stairs picture the night before.) Incidentally, isn't she just gorgeous? I am still trying to figure out how I got such knock out kids!

Sis's favorite gift

Bubba was not excited by his skateboard at all! :-)

He still can't move much on it, but does a lot of posing on it. I guess the actual moving can come later.

J came over for lunch in the early afternoon and played with the kids and their toys while I took a much needed nap! We opened family presents and I scored some pajamas from Bubba and an ipod from Junior (via J). Junior got J a whoopie cushion.

Sis was thrilled by all the Christmas boxes and wrapping paper detritus left over from the day. She has never had so many obstacles in the front room before. She is really starting to move.

Bubba in his woody costume (a clearance item after Halloween. When I put it on him and the outfit was sized for a 7 year old and the hat and boots for a 2 year old, the $3 price tag made more sense. He didn't seem to mind though.)

Junior's favorite gift by far was a Martian Matter set. I now have a collection of lovingly made little aliens on my computer. Each one was made just for me. Who needs jewelry, right?

Merry Christmas!

Twas The Night Before Christmas...

We had our traditional fondue dinner with Britny and Jared & Co. this year. Although we were invited lots of places on both sides of the family, I am actively trying to avoid emotional triggers in an already difficult season. Everywhere we had been invited was a place we had spent Christmas Eve in a happier time. So, the Bradshaws were kind enough to take us in for the evening and we all ate cheese and chocolate fondue until we literally wanted to vomit (which is actually the sign of a great fondue party!) The kids were not a fan of the cheese, but were huge fans of the sharp fondue forks. It was a lot of fun to be there. Slightly less fun to drive home in the freezing cold :-) We love the Bradshaws!

Junior can write but still has trouble with the side to side method. This letter is meant to be read down one side and up the other. It says "Dear Santa, I want to have to best Christmas."

Bubba's job was to count out nine carrots for the reindeer, pour the milk and pick out a few cookies for Santa (who only pretended to eat them. What "santa" actually ate was chocolate cookies brought from England and a Diet Dr. Pepper)

Junior was in charge of the letter

Hanging stockings by the chimney with care...

New Christmas pajamas (Gymboree came through for us when our usual favorite Nick and Nora's from Target turned out a lame line this year...)

The children were nestled...

...all snug in their beds...

...while 'Santa' stayed up until 1 a.m. finding and wrapping the last of the Christmas presents.

I realized I was maybe too tired when I accidently wrote "from Satan" instead of "from Santa" on a few and had to re-wrap. Not that my kids would have noticed, but still...we have had enough "gifts" from satan in our family lately, thanks! I also realized around midnight that I had hidden the candy for the stockings a little too well. It still hasn't surfaced but I unearthed a bag of tootsie rolls and a few dum dums and just thanked my lucky stars that my children are not old enough to notice the omission of actual chocolate.

In the weeks before Christmas...

We decorated the "kid tree"

went shopping for the real tree

decorated Christmas cookies with friends

made Gingerbread Houses with Grandma and Grandpa

rocked our first ever Christmas church dress

got a visit at home from Santa (Junior whispered in my ear "I think it's just Grandpa." Bubba was convinced!)

Met our newest cousin Amelia (from across the pond)

who was a big fan of Sis's hair

and put up with all of us strangers loving on her

Bubba wasn't so sure about me doing that though

Junior and Sis met Santa at the mall (doesn't he just look so jolly!?)

while Bubba watched from a safe distance

we finished off the afternoon with cookies at the food court

Whew....tired!

Christmas Love...

My kids are awesome. Who wouldn't love these smart, funny, caring, silly kids? I had another "I love being a mom" moment today except this time it was via Junior. Since he learned to write, I have been getting lots of notes. Sometimes they involve calling his brother names, sometimes he slips them to me as I am talking on the phone or to company, such as this one (it says, "can I tell you a secret?")

More often than not though, they are love notes, such as this one that was folded up into a paper airplane and thrown at my head:

So today, when he passed me a sealed envelope with the words "crismis luv to mom frum Junior" (I left the original at my sister's house...) and told me it was a Christmas present, but I could open it today, I expected whatever was inside to be some kind of sweet nothing. I tore the envelope open and shook out the 2" x 2" paper that was inside. On it was lovingly inscribed the word:

"Poop"

I hope you laughed as hard as I did (come on, you at least smiled, right?)

Little boys are awesome...

What can I say?

I had a moment tonight that reminded me of how much I love being a mom. Especially being a mom to mischevious little thinkers. Out of both my boys, Bubba is going to be the wild card and I often wonder what he has in store for me in the future. On the one hand, he is my sweetie. Long after the age Junior stopped wanting affection from his mama, Bubba remains my cuddler. He gives me hugs ungrudgingly and enthusiastically and is very hands on with his sister, giving her kisses and doing dances to make her laugh. To Junior, he often puts his arm around him and says "You are my best friend..."

On the other hand, he is far more of a stinker than Junior ever was. He is into more, he is more stubborn, he is more messy with pretty much everything and is more of a daredevil than Junior. He often comes up with excuses for things he has done wrong, from the simple "I didn't did that..." (even when we all sat and watched him do "it") to more elaborate excuses including blaming the cat, Jesus and sometimes Sis. Tonight was my favorite though. I was in the living room changing Sis for bed when he wandered in...

Bubba: (innocently) "What was that noise?"
Me: (distracted) "What noise?"
Bubba: (still innocent) "The noise that sounded like water, or like 'swimmy' and 'bubbles' fish food got spilled? hmmm..."
Me: (still distracted) What? I don't know..."

After I put them to bed, I went into the kitchen to find that the fish food had indeed been spilled. I wonder who might have done it?

Bah Humbug...

I usually love the Christmas season, when I can keep the excess within reason. I have had one or two seasons where it was too much shopping, too much cookie making, too many batches of fudge and too many places to be. I have found that if I can start my shopping some time in October, I do a lot better and everything doesn't feel like "too much." I was always chasing the 'Norman Rockwell' Christmas and by last year I felt we were close. We had our traditions down (Christmas Eve Fondue dinner, opening jammies and an ornament before bed, etc.) and were well on our way to the really fun Christmas mornings because Junior had finally figured out who Santa was and what role he played. He wrote a note for Santa and left the cookies out and generally just started to get into it. This year should have been great. I have two boys who are so excited for Christmas to be here and are so into choosing gifts for everyone and wanting to help wrap and make the cookies and decorate the tree. I should be loving this, but I am finding myself feeling hollow (as in, the opposite of fulfilled) because such a crucial element is missing and I know I can't expect it back no matter how many Christmas stars I have wished on. We miss our Daddy. And it sucks. And it is showing through in so many ways. I still feel like I am in shock, Junior has been having major crying fits (not temper tantrums, I am talking heaving, gasping, sobbing crying fits) where I don't know what else to do but hold him on my lap, rub his back and let him get it all out. I have never heard him cry like that. His poor world is not right and I don't blame him. His crying sounds very familiar. Anytime we head out to a Christmas related activity, they ask if Dad is coming and if we can invite him. It is so hard not to. Both boys panic a little when I discipline them for something and any reprimand is followed up with "I love you, mom." It would sound sweet if it didn't happen a billion times a day and if I didn't know it was flat out bargaining on their part. And a billion and one times a day, I remind them that daddy always loves them and I always love them even when I am cranky or they are in trouble and most importantly that 'moms don't leave'. Bubba may be starting to get it because he has begun to test me by saying "I don't love you!" (now, why does that sound so familiar?) The boys count down the days until they get to see dad, but spend the hours before going telling me how much they will miss me, and it is more of that when they return. I wish they didn't have this confusion and feeling of divided loyalties. Neither J or I have tried to make them take sides. I know for my part, we talk about 'Dad' a lot and I encourage them to share how much they love him and miss him. I assume he handles his side of things similarly but regardless, they feel divided and no child should have to handle emotions like that. I spend my time being alternately devastated and angry that we are all still suffering so much at the hands of the one who is supposed to at least help us feel safe and secure.

So, this season hasn't been great even though I thought I was prepared for it and genuinely have been trying to keep up a Tiny Tim attitude as opposed to the Scrooge one that seems more natural right now. I can't seem to get my mind around my new situation. I spend most of my days trying to avoid triggers, but they jump out at me anyway. I can't pass a men's clothing section in any store without automatically assessing whether or not J needs anything before I catch myself. Our tradition has always been to get each other Christmas pajamas and I pass every display with extra sadness. As for myself, I couldn't decide whether I should just buy myself a new pair to fit in with the kids and be pathetic or not get any and be a martyr. I went with pathetic, mostly since my recent weight loss has made most of my old pajamas too big. This is the first Christmas in ten years that I have not gone gift shopping for J and I hate the feeling. I considered it a special challenge to try to find something he would love or really wanted.

On the flip side, I have an amazing, sensitive family who know me very well and have tried to forestall any unnecessary triggers for me. Weeks ago, they forbade me to go anywhere near my ornament box, which holds my only collection. For the last eleven years, I have been collecting an ornament from every country I visit and every vacation I go on. Over the years, the ornament collection has expanded to include one every year that best represents our year (i.e. a little house when we bought this house, a car ornament for J for the year he bought a car he really loved, a hummingbird ornament for the year he began his business since he was so busy, going from one project to another, etc.) My tree has never been matchy, but every ornament has a story. They are not up this year. I am not even sure what I will do in future years. I can't bring myself to throw away the little ceramic bird from our honeymoon in Mexico, or the ornament that commemorates the year we got married. Being ditched by your spouse tends to really stink when you are a sentimental junkie like me. Everything hurts and it hurts worse to throw it away. Any ideas for an ornament that represents this year? Do they sell broken heart ornaments? A trash can? A gilded mini divorce decree? Most likely I will go with something that says 'hope" although I haven't gotten it yet.

This year my family banded together and sent me a box of all new trigger-free ornaments and my tree has never been so pretty. We went with red and gold with white lights and if the tree was fake I would be tempted to leave it up permanently since the sight and glow of it is so comforting. Thank you family...

You know what else will raise your spirits? One of these from my amazing sister, who seems to really get how much a beautiful appliance can make someone smile (and it matches the high chair, my curtains and my dish towels). Thank you Bek!


I all but kiss it good night along with the kids, I love it so much...I had one of these before, but had to go with the best price on ebay and ended up with a boring but serviceable black one, which has found a new home with my older sister Jen in return for all the babysitting she did over the summer for me while I tried to keep my whole life from falling apart.

I keep thinking about how last year I never would have expected to be in this position this year. I knew we would have a six month old baby by then, but didn't think anything else would have changed too drastically. I am really trying to enjoy this season for the boys sake but the truth is that I just want it to be over. I am looking forward to Christmas morning, which I have chosen to keep quiet with just me and the kids, because I so rarely get to be the bearer of fun things. These days, I am the one making them do chores and stop fighting and be respectful. I am not looking forward to not sharing that fun morning with the father of my kids, or the idea that doing so is no longer in the cards. I suppose the thing that will get me through this Christmas season is the idea that my life has altered so much once, it can change again and hopefully for the better. I don't want to assume I will be in the same position this time next year. I don't know who will be in or out of my life by then but I can't imagine it could feel worse than this year. I know I will have an almost seven year old, a four year old and an 18 month old who will be getting her first doll. I hope for peace in my heart by then although I am still taking that one on faith that it can and will come. I have yet to catch a glimpse of how this will all turn out ok.

In the meantime, I have two more days in which I am not allowed starches or sugar but after that, anything (within reason) goes...What delicious thing should I make in my beautiful new mixer? If you live near me, you can come help me eat it. I promise to put away my scrooge like feelings for the evening :-)

TGIF?

I hate visitation weekends. I hate them, I hate them, I hate them...

I loathe the weekends my boys are gone with a passion I usually reserve for spiders, beets and having to reach into cold, dirty dish water. They are not a break. They are not relaxing and although they are a chance to get errands done with only one child instead of three, they are not worth it.

J used to have a work schedule that was very flexible. It was not unusual to see him walk in the door and be done for the day around 2 or 3 p.m. After he started his own company, he worked a more normal 9-5 schedule (and then once he got a girlfriend "work" picked up even more.) The point being that Fridays weren't extra special until a year or two ago and then they began to mean something again. Genuine sleeping in, lazy days where there were two of us to tackle kids and work and play, date nights if we had enough money, someone to talk to during the day that didn't talk back or need to be disciplined (and extra help with the ones in the house that DID need that :-) I was always sad by the time Sunday night rolled around, while J, as I imagine most dads are, was relieved to be on the threshold of a work day that doesn't involve "honey-do" lists and changing bums. I dread every weekend now. The weekdays are much easier since we got used to him being gone much of the day anyway. I am not a fan of this 'feast or famine' form of child raising. When it is my weekend, I spend a lot of the time wishing I had someone to help me entertain kids, work on the house and break up the monotony of the week. At night, I feel pathetic to have to be catching up on work or laundry when it feels like everyone else in the world has a hot date with their spouse (thanks facebook, for keeping me updated on what I am missing :-). Sometimes I go out with friends, but it is so hard to know I am coming home alone to a lonely house that it is almost not worth it right now.

When the boys are gone, it's worse. They are with me full time during the week and it feels like a wrench to have them away. I wonder about them the whole time. How is Junior's cold? Will Bubba (who has been crawling into my bed every night) know where to find dad in a strange apartment? Are the doors and windows locked at night? Are they asking about me to J 100 times a day like they ask about him here? Both boys have been having abandonment based nightmares and I worry about them waking up in unfamiliar surroundings. Their beds are so empty and I find myself wandering in there from habit every time I get up in the night (which is still fairly often - all I want for Christmas is a good night's sleep :-) I do enjoy the time I get to bond with Sis. The third child of a now single mom doesn't usually get that much one on one face time.

The boys are often thrown off for a day or two when they get home. It's then that I have to answer the questions that are hard; "why doesn't dad love you, mom?" (I don't know...) "Why can't you just come with us to dad's next time?" (I wish he wanted that...) "Do you miss us when we are gone?" (so much...). I worry about what I am missing because I know that J misses so much around here on a daily basis. I know I miss the family adventures we used to do. Hardly a Saturday went by that we weren't heading out for somewhere by mid afternoon, even if it was just McDonald's play land. It feels hollow when I do that with them now. Something is missing and it can't help but feel unreal, like what we are doing and feeling is temporary. Bubba still thinks it is. He often refers to "when dad comes home" and Junior, who seems to finally be getting it, will say "remember Bubba, dad is never coming back home..." He sounds subdued and resigned and it is clear that he is still not fooled by the lure of another bedroom and fun weekends if it means that dad lives across town. I think something in me will really break the day that Bubba also stops patiently expecting his daddy to come home. Something has already broken in me that Sis will never know to expect that daddy's do anything but live far away and see them a few times a week.

I want my little "monkey see" and "monkey do" to understand what a family life should be and I am afraid to have this situation become normal for them at such a young age. They will never know how it should feel to have a united mom and dad under the same roof committed to them. J and I have tried to agree that we will remain as close as possible in terms of raising them and keeping rules and curfews and morals consistent But if parenting with a partner in the home is hard, parenting with a partner from a distance who is giving into a life of morals I don't agree with is completely terrifying. There is no guarantee that we can remain on the same pages now regarding the upbringing of these kids for the next 18 years. I don't want them to grow up this way, always shuttling back and forth between parents. I don't ever want them to think that this is an acceptable life for their children either. People (J included, I believe) tend to generalize my future for me in an attempt to comfort me in my current circumstance and I know their story for me ends with "...and she found a really great guy and they got married." Even though I know that this sentiment is kindly meant, to me it doesn't feel anywhere near that easy or probable. It's very ironic that J, who has found himself to be a Dr. Laura fan, always said he wholeheartedly agreed with her sentiment that if you get divorced, you DO NOT remarry until your children are grown and gone. I'm not sure where I stand. I am even more protective of my little ones than ever. Someone who is willing to love my kids mostly for my sake will not be acceptable. My standards for a second father for these kids will be very high. When it comes right down to it, their own father was not willing to remain here and raise them, even though he does love them (just not more than his own path and desires). I have a very hard time believing that anyone else can or will love my children enough to satisfy me. I will never say never, but the bottom line is that my kids don't need two dads who only half-love them. I took a chance on J when he asked me to marry him. I invested everything I had in this life of ours. I envisioned raising our children together, retiring and growing old together. I never thought for a moment that anything except death would thwart those plans. I sometimes wonder if he took the best of my ability to love anyone else because I will never be that trusting again. What clinches it is that he did nothing to try to regain that trust. He never gave me the option to see if I could get that back. I thought I could, but now I will never know.

So here I am on another lonely, quiet weekend, missing my boys. I have been sitting here wondering if I would have changed things and not married J if I had known how this relationship would turn out and it is so tempting to say yes (cue Garth Brook's 'The Dance'...). Then I remember what Junior has been saying to me a lot lately:

"I'm really glad I have you, mom!"

And the answer will always be no!